the next baby

Nursing newborn Clementine. This photo brings back so many memories… the flowers we were given following the birth, the heartfelt cards lining the shelves, and the never-ending breastfeeding. Photo taken by my friend Sonja.

Let me begin by saying that no, I am not pregnant. Or, more accurately, OH HELL NO!!

So now that that's cleared up... Ever since I was pregnant with Clementine, I found my thoughts drifting to the next pregnancy and the next baby. Part of it was practical; during my first trimester I napped every day and often slept for 12 hours a night. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that and take care of a toddler and I wondered how I would cope. I also felt sad that the first pregnancy, such a magical and special time, was so fleeting.

Now that I have a baby (and know just how much work is involved) I'm extra worried. When it takes me an hour to feed her or put her to sleep, I think, 'how on earth will I do this and parent another child?' Seriously, how do you mothers of two or more do it?

This also gets me pondering age gaps and what the ideal difference might be. My brother and I are exactly 4.5 years apart, which meant I was 5 grades ahead of him at school. While we get along well now and I think he's quite a cool person, we weren't exactly close growing up. I think the age difference was just too big. But it certainly would have been easier for my mom to take care of a newborn while her only other child was at school 6 hours a day. It seems to me that the most common age gap between siblings is two years, but I think that feels too rushed to me. Not least of all because I don't want to be changing diapers for two babies!

The other thing I have noticed is that I'm so happy right now with our little family of three, that part of me wants to keep it this way forever. It's hard to imagine changing that dynamic, but I know we will one day. When the time is right...

So tell me, how many kids do you have? How far apart are they? And how do you cope? I'd love to know!

p.s. my mom arrives on Monday so I'll be taking a few days off blogging, but I'll be back next Friday to share my fourth sling diaries post.

green thumb

I've never had a green thumb. I grew up in inner-city apartments and didn't have my first backyard until my husband and I moved in together. For about a year we lived in a funny old house with a big backyard that we mostly ignored. I mean, I loved, loved, loved having a yard to to enjoy but we never did any gardening per se. Once in a blue moon my husband would mow the lawn but that was about it.

When our landlords sold that house we moved into an apartment. In many ways it was a huge improvement on the house (no mice! built in storage! a proper bathroom with a toilet!) but with one majordrawback: no yard. Not even a balcony. Because of this, I've found myself craving green over the years but I've always ended up killing any plant that passes through our door.

Recently I was inspired again, so I picked up two succulents at our neighbourhood nursery. They really do make the apartment feel homier and I love the simple act of taking care of something and watching it grow. I've had them for a couple of months now, and they seem to be doing well. So well that I'm thinking of branching out and trying something other than succulents. Maybe someday I will have a green thumb after all...

in the meantime

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post; your sweet words were such an encouragement to me. We're still hoping for a miracle.

In the meantime, I am:

• thinking about food! I just made these double chocolate muffins and they are awesome.
• loving this post, from the same blog
• enjoying baking. I've made two cakes recently: the sponge sandwich cake in the photo above and a cheesecake. I followed a Margaret Fulton recipe for the sponge and it was quite difficult. I ended up with a decidedly un-spongy sponge. The cheesecake, however, was delicious. Thank you Katie Lee.
• admiring this French blog.
• pleased that my husband and I went out 2 nights in a row last week. It was awesome.
• looking forward to receiving my copy of Alphabet Family Journal in the mail sometime in April.
• excited that Canada won the hockey game against Sweden. And the women's hockey final was thrilling as well.
• needing a new book. I just finished reading The Snow Child, which I loved, and now I need some recommendations?
• continuing no-buy-February, and it's going surprisingly well.
• re-reading Kate's latest sling diaries post. I love her photos as well.
• very grateful for friends who agree to babysit at the last minute.
• hoping to go to more yoga classes soon.
• getting very excited for my mom's arrival! She arrives in exactly one week.

losing scout

I never used to be a dog person. In fact, I couldn't really understand how people could love dogs so much. It's not that I didn't like them; I did. I just found them a bit slobbery and stinky.

And then one day my dad bought a puppy. The cutest ball of fluff you ever did see, and it was love at first sight. She grew up to be the sweetest, funniest, most adventurous and smartest dog around. I didn't care that she was slobbery and a bit stinky; she was ours and we loved her.

Scout was my dad's dog but my mom, my brother and I took care of her a fair bit. I used to take her rock climbing with me and she would hang out at the bottom of the cliff until occasionally you would look up and see her at the top of the climb. She hated to be apart from her people so if she could, she would dart up to make sure everyone was safe. Her herding instinct never went away.

I really don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Scout changed my life, for the better. When I realised how much I could love an animal, it made me want to stop eating other animals. I would look into her big brown eyes and think, "if I'm not prepared to eat her, then I shouldn't be able to eat any other animal either." I still don't.

Mostly she taught me just how clever and amazing animals really are. Fiercely loyal, she loved my whole family but my dad best of all. When he went away she was never quite herself, until he would come back and she would get so excited she would pee.

Following the car accident in Mexico, my dad looked for her but never found her. Searching for a lost dog in a Mexican city is like looking for a needle in a haystack. He's back at home now, without her. I can't even tell you how many tears have been shed in the process. The hardest part is the not knowing. There have been a couple of sightings so we know that she was alive, but now, who knows? I worry about her constantly, wondering if she has enough to eat, a safe place to sleep or if she is injured. Every day I hope that she is ok, and that someone has found her and is looking after her.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't see her again. I will miss her, always.

a letter to my dog / puppy fever

clem eats

If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably seen my new series of photos of Clementine eating (#clemeats). The girl is unstoppable. She smears, and paints, and wipes food through her hair when she's done. We have to give her 4 baths a day because a washcloth just won't cut it after a meal. Good thing she's cute!

sakura bloom sling diaries: confidence

When I was pregnant I had a lot of ideas about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I carefully researched all things pregnancy and birth related and confidently made certain decisions that went against the norm, such as declining 2 out of 3 routine ultrasounds and not doing a test for gestational diabetes. I felt in control of my pregnancy, and healthy and strong. Then labour and birth came along, and I was reminded that I am not, as Gurmukh says, "the great Doer of all things." I learned that I was not in total control and I surrendered.

As we stumbled along those early weeks of parenting, we were given so much advice, so much of it conflicting. A pattern that repeats itself to this day. The only difference is that now, I have the confidence to say, "I know my baby better than anyone else in the world, and I trust myself to make decisions for her wellbeing."

I think that this is one of the hardest things about becoming a parent, because it sometimes means going against the grain or disagreeing with people you respect. It's taken me some time to get to this point, and I know I still have a way to go. But when I see these photos of my smiling baby girl, wrapped in linen against my chest, I know that she is healthy, happy and safe. What more could I hope for?

I'm thrilled to be included in a group of 17 other mums and dads, documenting the art of babywearing for the Sakura Bloom Sling Diaries, vol iv. 

I wear Clementine in the simple sling in wheat.

A huge thank you to Tim, for being awesome and for taking these photos. Clementine just loved being shot by him and was totally hamming it up!

9 month clementine (and a video!)

Clementine has been out in the world for as long as she grew in my belly. I can hardly believe it. At least 15 times a day her dad and I will turn to each other and say with a sigh, "I love her." She's quirky and funny. Playful and adventurous. Strong willed and cheeky.

She dances as soon as she hears music, waves goodbye (usually a bit too late), uses me as a human jungle gym, is slightly afraid of cats, plays peek-a-boo, pets other babies on the head and loves to climb up stairs. She's the world's messiest eater (see #clemeats on Instagram) and when we nurse she sticks her hand into my mouth and pokes around at my teeth, which she thinks is hilarious.

She has this desperate need to be standing at all times. Twice this week she has let go of us and stood all by herself. I'm so not ready for her to start walking (because then she might as well be an adult) so I hope she holds out a while longer. But with this little monkey, who knows?

clementine's memory box

Last year, while we were in Vancouver, I wrote a bit about memory keeping. Having Clementine really motivated me to get back into the swing of documenting our lives. There is this blog, of course, but it's not quite the same as holding a book of photos in your hands, or reading a handwritten journal. So I made photo books (and continue to make them every few months); I framed family photos and hung them around the house; I got a journal and a baby book and then I decided to make a box. A memory box filled with little things I hope Clementine will always treasure. Inspired by Ronnie, I bought this box from Kikki K. and filled it with:

1. A journal cross scrapbook that has some words from me, as well as all of your lovely messages of congratulations from here and instagram. To be honest, I struggle to keep on top of this journal which is why I have…
2. The 'Mom's One Line a Day' journal. Much more manageable!
3. A baby book. Pretty standard.
4. A collection of cards we received when Clementine was born.
5. Her hospital bracelets and a tiny bit of her placenta (yes, seriously).
6. The invitation to my blessingway.
7. This photo album. It's still empty, but the idea is that I will fill it with my absolute favourite photos from her first year.