the cost of children

We have this neighbour who adores Clementine. Whenever he sees her, he grabs her, plays peekaboo, throws her up in the air, cuddles her and she just loves it. Yesterday he saw us coming in and came over to help. While he was goofing around with the little one, his friend said to him, "You know you can have one of these, right?" To which our neighbour replied, "Nah, I want a big house and a nice car before we have a baby."

If I had a penny for every time I heard something similar! One of my husband's friends said that he wouldn't have a baby until he had x amount of money in the bank, and it was a large sum. So many people seem to let money hold them back from starting a family, and I can't understand it. It's not as if the baby is going to bust out of your womb demanding to see your latest bank statement or requesting an SUV to be chauffeured around in.

Now, I'm not completely naive. I live in one of the world's most unaffordable cities; I know that money is important, I just don't think it's the most important. When my parents had me, they didn't have much. We lived in Cartagena where they worked as English teachers and tour guides. They certainly didn't let money, or lack thereof, stop them from having a baby and they didn't let having a baby stop them from living an adventurous life. Similarly, my husband and I happily had a baby while living in a funky little apartment, knowing that we still wanted to travel, and not being sure where we would end up living.

I've noticed that here in Sydney in particular, people are obsessed with home ownership and private school. It's something my husband and I have talked about at length, but I still don't get. Where I grew up in Vancouver, everyone went to public school, even the rich kids. If we waited until the day we could buy a house in Sydney and afford to pay private school tuition for two kids, we would miss our chance to have children. No exaggeration.

When you start talking about the cost of raising children, all sorts of figures get thrown around. Again, we're not immune to this and the fact that we're a bi-cultural family puts a big strain on us. We know that two children will most likely be our maximum as we need to be able to travel back and forth between Canada and Australia. But, I think that having a baby doesn't need to be the huge financial drain that everyone says it is. Most of the big tickets items we needed for Clementine (e.g. bassinet, stroller, crib, playpen, carseat, swing etc) we bought used, borrowed from friends or received as gifts. I even wrote a post about it here. Cloth diapering has saved us a lot of money, as has breastfeeding.

Apart from travel, our lifestyle costs us less now that we have a baby. I hardly ever buy clothes anymore, and we rarely go out. We use our car far less than we used to because my husband cycles to work and I find life easier when I stay in our neighbourhood. We gratefully accept hand-me-downs and our social life revolves around visits to the park or the beach. I'm glad we had our daughter when we did, fancy house or not.

setting an example

I think every parent gets to that stage where they realise that their child is mimicking everything they do. This has been on my mind for a while now, because I know that in some ways, I'm not setting a very good example for my little one. Ever since she started on solids I've been quite strict with what I feed her. I don't let her have any sugar at all, and certainly no junk food. Most of her food is made from scratch, and it's also mostly organic. I definitely won't be the mum not letting her kid have cake at a birthday party, but I feel strongly that at this age, she does not need to have cakes/cookies/brownies etc.

But, I am a sugar fiend. I've always had a sweet tooth, and since having Clementine, it's gotten out of control. As a new mum, most of my social life has revolved around cafe dates with friends over coffee and cake. Nowadays we mostly hang out at the park, but we still very often stop for a takeaway coffee and treat. Clementine now wants to try a bite of everything I eat, so I'm discovering that I can't eat my usual treats when she's around. I know that if I want to foster healthy eating habits in her, I have to change my own habits. I definitely have more to say on this, but I'll leave it for another post. For now I'm trying to embrace one of my favourite sayings: everything in moderation, including moderation.

On a lighter note, I'm also trying so hard not to swear but it is tough! So far Clementine only has a few words, but I worry that if we keep up the way we are her first word will be a 4 letter one. Both my husband and I are pretty bad. Just today he was working on something that was frustrating him, and he was muttering and swearing under his breath. "Bloody f&*% s#$t c@#p son of a…" and on it went. He caught me glaring at him and toned it down to, "bloody bastard, mumble, grumble…" Because that's not swearing apparently. It's safe to say that we have some work to do in this department. Please tell me we're not the only ones...

vegetarianism, marriage & babies

When my husband and I met, dated, and got married, I was an omnivore. We bonded over food right from the beginning; one of the first times we hung out, he brought my friend and I to a pub that served $5 meals (which was great news to us poor backpackers). I'm pretty sure we had burgers, or maybe steak. Because he had a real home with a functioning kitchen, he also liked to cook for me. I clearly remember the morning he made me scrambled eggs with chorizo and avocado for breakfast. I thought: this is the man for me.

Fast forward a couple of years and I found myself training to become a yoga teacher. Vegetarianism was an important focus of the course, and we read books and watched videos that showed us, no holds barred, where our meat came from. Eating meat had always made me uncomfortable, but it was the easier choice so I suppressed that little voice that told me it wasn't right. Once I learned about the horrors of factory farming I knew I had to make a change. And while there certainly are options for those who want to eat meat and not support factory farming, I couldn't bring myself to eat an animal when I could be just as healthy and happy without taking an animal's life.

My transition was slow. I started by cutting down on meat consumption, then I became a pescatarian and finally, months later, I converted to full fledged vegetarianism. While I admired my vegan friends for their moral consistency, I knew I could never be vegan myself.

Immediately, our marriage came under strain. I couldn't understand why my husband didn't seem to care about animal welfare, and he was annoyed that I was no longer the girl he married. Cooking for me had always been one of the ways he'd shown his love, and now he couldn't make any of our favourite meals. We both had to make some pretty major compromises.

To this day, I describe myself as a reluctant vegetarian. I miss cooking with meat, and sometimes I even miss the taste of meat. But even more, I miss being the easygoing 'eat anything, anywhere' kind of person I used to be. I hate that now I'm the one with special dietary requirements, and that people have to go out of their way when they invite me over. They do, though. My friends and family make special meals just for me or cook vegetarian, which I appreciate so much.

During my pregnancy, I maintained my vegetarian diet until the last few months, when I started eating small amounts of seafood again. I'm still a pescatarian, and while it causes me some cognitive dissonance, I'm going with it for now because it makes my life a lot easier. As for the baby who was growing in my belly, we had discussed how we wanted to raise him/her before I was even pregnant. I wanted to raise vegetarian children; my husband did not. We compromised and decided that our babies would be vegetarian for their first 2 years of life and then we would re-assess. Of course, I knew that at some point it would no longer be in my control. Children will make their own choices eventually, all I could do was gently guide them.

Things were going to plan with our little pescetarian. She was happy, she was healthy but she wasn't putting on any weight. To be fair, she's been a slow gainer since birth. Even on a mixture of breastfeeds and breastmilk/formula top ups she never put on the "required" weight each week. Finally, shortly before her first birthday we weighed her at the doctor and discovered that she had hardly gained any weight in 2 months. I decided then and there to offer her meat and see if that made a difference.

It did. She took to her new diet immediately and started to put on more weight. Nowadays, this means that there are many nights where the three of us are eating three different meals, or variations of the same dinner. It's not ideal, and it's not what I would have chosen, but it's yet another lesson in surrender. Parenting is hard, and sometimes you have to make compromises for the wellbeing of your whole family.

I do wonder how this will play out in the future.  I imagine that Clementine and my husband will remain omnivores while I continue to eat a pescetarian diet. I have come to accept that my husband and I will never be on the same page, and that that's ok. What's important is that we show respect for each others' decisions, and model that for Clementine.

I know that many of you are in mixed marriages and families as well, how do you handle it? Does it cause conflict or is it just accepted? How did you deal when babies came along?

p.s. the first post I wrote on marriage and vegetarianism
p.p.s. my friend Katie has a new website filled with lots of helpful info on vegetarianism, animal rights, parenting, natural birth, activism, yoga and more… check it out here

f i v e

Five years ago today, we woke up on a farm in Mudgee. Over breakfast and coffee, I looked out the window and asked our friend/best man/witness, "do you think it's going to rain?"

"Not a chance, Gary,*" he replied, "not a chance."

A few hours later, right before our wedding was to begin, it started to pour. We had to change the location of our ceremony 10 minutes before it was to happen.

So our wedding wasn't perfect, and neither is our marriage. Sometimes I think we have to remind ourselves of that fact when we look around this blog world of ours; no one has a perfect relationship. But we laugh a lot, say "I love you" every day, and sometimes we say "I'm sorry" too. And five years in, I can genuinely say that we are happy, in love and enjoying where we are. For that, I am grateful.

*inside joke between our friends, who have been calling me Gary for 6 years now

us, by gui jorge

Earlier this week I was out and about when I got an email from Gui with the link to these photos. I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to his blog, and as I scrolled through the images on my tiny iphone screen, I smiled from ear to ear.

As I lay in bed later that night looking through all 126 photos, I felt so lucky. Lucky for a husband who bursts through the door every day shouting, "Hello my chicas, I missed you today!" Lucky to have a healthy baby girl. Lucky that we met Gui and Michaela, that they have become our friends and that they share their talent with us.

These photos have already been emailed around the world to my friends and family (all of whom agree that Clementine is the cutest baby in all the land, not that we're biased or anything...), and now all that's left to do is decide which ones to frame and hang on the wall. I'm voting for that last one, sleepy Clemmie in her made by grand-mum bonnet.

If you'd like Gui and Michaela to come visit your family, or shoot your wedding, contact them here. They are awesome.

p.s. you can see the shoot we did with Gui when I was 37 weeks pregnant here

the first week

 

Two days after Clementine was born, the three of us came home and settled in. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that we're a family now, that we have a daughter. That first week my husband and I sat and stared at her for hours. Every twitch, sound and stretch completely captivating to us new parents. We also had many (many) moments of wondering, 'so, what do we do now?' Taking care of a newborn can be so scary, which is why I was extra glad when my mom arrived on Clementine's 6th day of life.

Between her and my husband, the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry have been taken care of. My goal has been to stay home as much as possible and let myself recover. Between endless feeds and long nights, I've had time to take a salt bath every day and usually have a nap as well. I am so grateful for all the support I'm getting; it really does take a village.

And our Clementine, sigh... She is just divine. A fairly chilled out little bub, she's happy as long as she's fed, changed and cuddled. When all else fails, a session of swiss ball bouncing with her dad usually does the trick.

Thank you so much for all of your messages of congratulations and well wishes here and on instagram. I'm planning to print them all out and put them in her baby book, beautiful wishes from all around the world. She's a lucky girl.

4 years

Yesterday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. The last year has brought us some high highs and some crushingly low lows, so hitting this anniversary really feels like a  milestone. We celebrated by going to our favourite special restaurant, Cafe Sydney, where we gave each other high fives, and toasted to this next year of marriage. I'm so happy this is the guy I get to spend my days with. He's pretty awesome.

photos by Gui and Michaela

bump: 32 weeks

We took these photos last night, when the husband was tired from work and I was tired from the constant jack hammering going on in the construction pit next door. We were both a bit grumpy, which is why I'm extra glad that I have some lovely ladies who have offered to shoot my bump over the coming weeks. Husband can have a well-deserved break from being my photographer.

To be honest, it's not quite 9am and I'm feeling grumpy again thanks to those aforementioned jack hammers waking me up nice and early this morning after a terrible night's sleep. I think I'll make myself some tea and read through my Calmbirth book. Despite my whinging, we did have a lovely weekend. The two of us drove to Bowral on Friday night to attend Calmbirth with Peter Jackson. We stayed at the sweetest B&B, where we relished having a king sized bed, a body pillow, and the kind of quiet you only get in the country.

Saturday and Sunday were spent with a group of other couples, preparing for our upcoming births. Peter's wisdom and gentle encouragement was exactly what we needed. Husband came away with a greater sense of what to expect on b-day (as Peter calls it) and the tools to be a wonderful support person. I came away feeling excited to birth our baby. Eight more weeks...

p.s. Check out Jodi's blog today to see some photos that Luisa snapped of our lunch date in Surry Hills...

bits and pieces

 Alongside this random assortment of photos from the last few days, some random thoughts, in point form (because that's how random thoughts come out best, I find):

• I finally went to check out The Grounds of Alexandria. Apart from the fact that it is aesthetically very pleasing, my final verdict: meh.
• I've been reading Great With Child: Letters to a Young Mother. It's an inspiring and perfect read for me right now, so glad I found it. 
• I'm loving the blog My New Roots, which I found via the whole food e-course I'm doing. I can't wait to make this once the weather cools down.
• We celebrated the husband's birthday on the weekend. I made the one cake he kind of likes, the honey cake from Tessa Kiros' Apples for Jam. Déja vu.
• His cousin made this beautiful onion tart with tomatoes, basil and olive. It was vegetarian, for me, and oh so delicious. 
• One of my husband's cousins just had a baby, and we spent most of the night oohing and aahing over her tiny cuteness. 
• In the last month I've watched Jeff Who Lives at Home, Safety Not Guaranteed and Your Sister's Sister. I've loved all three, and it's safe to say that I have a crush on the Duplass brothers.
• Speaking of movies, I can't wait to see this one.
• The humidity is killing me. Today as I checked in students for my afternoon yoga class, we all asked each other, "when will this end?"
• I've been meaning to mention this for a couple of weeks now, but see that beautiful new banner up there? It's from Central Coast artist, Lauren Merrick. She's a freelance illustrator and graphic designer and boy is she talented!

cracking up

Recent conversations between the husband and I:

husband (while I ate a sandwich in bed): You're getting crumbs all over the bread. [long pause] I mean bed, all over the BED!

a text from husband (at work): I forgot my pants. And my shoes... again.
me: Nailed it.

shopping for bed sheets...
husband: They're organic cotton... and free range....

another text from husband: Love you too. Even though you're a shit.
me: I am not.
him: Point proven

husband on romance: I'd like to be like my granddad and his 3rd wife.
me: Um, thanks.

lying in bed, slats give way under husband...
husband: Don't. Say. Anything.
note: husband, in his own words, has been in a good paddock over Christmas.*

husband on pregnancy: So the baby grows inside the placenta, right?
me: Um... not quite.

driving by a field when I spot a calf on its own...
me: Awwww, a baby cow! I wonder where its mother is...
husband: Probably off encapsulating her placenta.

Happy birthday husband! You crack me up. Every. Single. Day. I don't know what I'd do without you.

*a paddock is where you put livestock to fatten up